When I was a little girl, I remember, one night, hiding in a forest. I was more afraid of the people I knew finding me, than I was of strangers finding me. And, I remember actually believing
”God, if you’d give me a girl one day, I will PROVE to my parents how to do things right.”
Growing up in foster care, I later learned that I have three older brothers, and, an older sister who was born still, two years before I was born.
Today, I am a wife, and a mother. I have three boys, a child born through miscarriage, and, I have that little girl I asked for, so many years ago.
And, I have humility.
I see now, what I didn’t see then. I see that grief is enormously powerful. Grief, in and of itself, can be a powerfully destructive force. Added to toxicity, added to addiction, added to abuse, it can become something that divides marriages, splits families, and ends even more lives.
It can do tremendous harm.
But, when added to love, when added to simple humility, it can invite you to explore your deepest vulnerabilities. It can show you that you aren’t perfect, you won’t always look the part, and it challenges you to trust that you are intrinsically worthy. Grief, in its peculiar way, can lead you through the forest of darkness, abandonment, fear, anger, shame and dread, and it can bring you to a place of unfathomable healing.
Please, be gentle on yourselves. Be gentle on each other. See yourself for the deep well of love, of hope, of healing, that you are. Be inspired to give yourself mercy, and to give others mercy. You are worthy.
Learn about Mothering the Mourning
Learn about the beginning of Mothering the Mourning.
Mothering the Mourning holds a radical and revolutionary truth that grief should not be silenced, the love for our children should not be closed up, we should not disengage from our relationship with our children at their physical death and we should not detach from our own reality of love. While grief is the collection of feelings we have, mourning is the outward expression of these feelings. Not all bereaved parents embrace both. I have grief, and I have come to realize that my grief needs mourning, and, my mourning needs my mothering.
In my book The Invisible Pregnancy, I further explore the challenging concepts of nurturing and disciplining our mourning, and other challenging concepts such as recognizing the beautiful truths in what I identify as ec0-thanatology. If these concepts seem intriguing, I’d recommend getting your copy of The Invisible Pregnancy, or consider hosting an Invisible Pregnancy Mother Workshop- and you and I can meet! Mothering the Mourning is my way of recognizing that my grief connects me to my child, my mourning connects me to my grief, and that I can seek out and find the many beautiful aspects of these connections.